SAD

It is interesting that the acronym for Seasonal Affective Disorder is SAD; that makes sense actually. I woke this morning feeling SAD, sad. I woke up with thoughts swirling about work, and how I would carry out my role as Clinical Liaison when the rifles are pulled. It is such a big department and my role is, in essence to make sure everyone is "on the same page". Cakewalk some days, these days it is war zone. We are going paperless in the next few months and the process has barely begun. The egos rise up, the "newness" and the "change" threaten, and the fur is beginning to fly.

I got up with an intensity that I don't usually have, and dove straight into e-mail to try and smooth the day ahead of me before I even walk through the door. I have a rigidity to my body, like bracing for the next dip in the roller coaster. I have anxiety over how to keep my head on straight when others around me are loosing theirs. But, I must stay centered......if I loose it, game over. The doctors won't trust me, and the project will end up in pieces; or maybe I think I am more important than I really am.

The hyperfocus of this morning is maybe more about anxiety that SAD, but I will say, that a daffodil or two might go a long way to helping me out the door. The day is grey, and the snow is filthy. The birds have no clue what to do, as it has been in the 20's for days. My understanding is that today, it will rise to 50 degrees, which is a charm of a thought.

These 40 days of Lent are days when we are asked to peer inward, and as I do, I realize that I did not get all my ashes out in one sweeping yesterday as hoped. Fasting fell short for me. I did well until noon, and caved in and had some almonds. Then I caved in some more and had some soup. By the time I got home for dinner I felt as if the whole discipline had come off at the wheels so I had a normal dinner. I felt like a failure in a way, that I could not pull it off. I did manage to avoid the red wine and ice cream, but what does that say about sacrifice?

I wonder if God gives us daily sacrifices so that we don't have to worry about breaking the fast. I wonder if all of these nagging little thoughts and anxiety of the day will soon be burnt to ashes as well. Or, maybe the whole thing will go up in flames. I am hoping that, for today, the warmer weather will be enough to get me going. Actually, more birds are chirping as I type, a very promising sign. Off to the day......

Soldiers......Soldier on!