Rowing as Fast as I Can!

It is not easy following a path of self sacrifice, of making changes to turn inward, and to opening oneself to grace. I, personally, am particularly challenged of late. I find my job to be mixed with all sorts of messages......we can't live without you~ you can't come to work on Monday becasue your registration has expired~will you please help me review this case, help me talk to a patient~why did you let her say that to a patient? Even now, at home I receive messages of love and hate all in the same day. It is a day, a time, of contrasts, and I have no clue what is real.

I think I shall listen to Mary Oliver, who suggests that we lift our oars out of the water and Row as fast as we can toward love.....even though the waters may be unsafe and flowing like mad over a ledge. This is no wasy task. It certainly does not feel safe at all. But, as Mary says, so eloquently in West Wind II, a life without love is not worth a dog who has been dead for nine days. Choosing love is risky....choosing God's love is hard to even know how to fathom.

When the weight of the mundane and the silly overwhelm me......I find comfort and grace in family and friends, whom I suspect, are extensions of God's grace and love. They always seem to make me smile, or laugh, or cry, and then I don't feel so burdened my the weight of the mean people who, for some reason, did not ge the message.

So, I row, swiftly, to love......even if it means there is a steep waterfall, I will go, becasue I know who is on the other side to catch me as I take the plunge.

Row frineds, Row!

SAD

It is interesting that the acronym for Seasonal Affective Disorder is SAD; that makes sense actually. I woke this morning feeling SAD, sad. I woke up with thoughts swirling about work, and how I would carry out my role as Clinical Liaison when the rifles are pulled. It is such a big department and my role is, in essence to make sure everyone is "on the same page". Cakewalk some days, these days it is war zone. We are going paperless in the next few months and the process has barely begun. The egos rise up, the "newness" and the "change" threaten, and the fur is beginning to fly.

I got up with an intensity that I don't usually have, and dove straight into e-mail to try and smooth the day ahead of me before I even walk through the door. I have a rigidity to my body, like bracing for the next dip in the roller coaster. I have anxiety over how to keep my head on straight when others around me are loosing theirs. But, I must stay centered......if I loose it, game over. The doctors won't trust me, and the project will end up in pieces; or maybe I think I am more important than I really am.

The hyperfocus of this morning is maybe more about anxiety that SAD, but I will say, that a daffodil or two might go a long way to helping me out the door. The day is grey, and the snow is filthy. The birds have no clue what to do, as it has been in the 20's for days. My understanding is that today, it will rise to 50 degrees, which is a charm of a thought.

These 40 days of Lent are days when we are asked to peer inward, and as I do, I realize that I did not get all my ashes out in one sweeping yesterday as hoped. Fasting fell short for me. I did well until noon, and caved in and had some almonds. Then I caved in some more and had some soup. By the time I got home for dinner I felt as if the whole discipline had come off at the wheels so I had a normal dinner. I felt like a failure in a way, that I could not pull it off. I did manage to avoid the red wine and ice cream, but what does that say about sacrifice?

I wonder if God gives us daily sacrifices so that we don't have to worry about breaking the fast. I wonder if all of these nagging little thoughts and anxiety of the day will soon be burnt to ashes as well. Or, maybe the whole thing will go up in flames. I am hoping that, for today, the warmer weather will be enough to get me going. Actually, more birds are chirping as I type, a very promising sign. Off to the day......

Soldiers......Soldier on!

Ashes

Today is Ash Wednesday, and it feels like an opportunity to sweep the caverns of my body and soul until they are white, and to take the ashes and plant them somewhere. The rector preached at the 6am service this morning about a Portuguese sea captain João Gonçalves Zarco, who in 1419 discovered a heavily wooden island lying 475 miles offshore of Casablanca. He named the island "Madeira," which means wood. But there was so much wood that inhabitability was impossible, so he wiped out every last tree by starting a fire that burned for seven years. The volcanic soil, once too acidic for grape growing, was made alkaline by the ashes of burnt forests. Grapes were planted and grew aplenty in the rich mixture yielding what we know of today as Madeira wine.

I assume there is no guarantee that the Ash Wendesday sweeping I have done today, has rendered me clear, nor, that my ashes of excess, things left undone, impatience, impurity and the like, will transform even a tiny island into a flourishing garden. I do know however, that I can be faithful that these ashes, my ashes before the ashes of my final day, can not make me flourish. I also know that the sweeping does not stop today. It is each day, each breath. It is Lent, it is life.
I am thankful for church, Yoga and the breath that sweeps through me to do the cleaning in the darkest spaces.

Amen, Namaste, Peace!

Fasching

It is interesting to me, that I should learn of this new word, Fasching, only tonight at a Shrove Tuesday Dinner at my church in Beverly Farms. I hardly even knew what "Shrove Tuesday" really was, and actually anticipated some explanation by the clergy. There were no verbal explanations, but one could deduce, that our pancake supper was somewhat of a "last hurrah" as it were. Synonomous with Mardi Gras, or Karnevel, or.....Fasching.

Fasching, (definition thanks to my table mate at dinner) is the German construct for such festivities, over indulgences, and celebrations that take place before Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent. It is the excess that we must "store" while we spend 40 days in restraint and maybe even fasting. Perhaps that is why tonight, I feel liberated to eat Girl Scout Thin Mint ice cream while I sip on a 3rd glass of lovely red wine. Permission to be excessive.....hmnnn.?

Fasching? Does this mean I must, should, go from Fasching to Fasting? What is Fasting anyway? Is it clear liquids? Is is a juice fast? Can I drink coffee? What if I have a saltine at 3 in the afternoon? And, God forbid, what if I use God and Lent as an excuse to take off a few (can I say many)unwanted pounds. I am not sure that Jesus has a prescription for Fasting that is as judicious as the instructions before, say, a colonoscopy. If I choose the fast after my fasching, I think it must be a personal covenant with God. It must be something that we both understand to be a sacrifice and that sacrifice must be something that makes some room.

I have heard it said many times from the pulpits that I love, that we MUST become empty to become full. That emptiness can sometimes come in the form of meditation, when we clear our minds of all the gunk that makes us crazy. I feel a need to empty my physical being of excessive anything. Red wine, ice cream, chocolate (the favored lenten abstinence), are, at least I think, metaphors for something more that we need to "give up". Perhaps if I just figure a plan to "cleanse" my physical self, my "spiritual" self will also follow, and allow some room in the wilderness of Lent. If I loose a few pounds or bad habits in the meantime.....so much the better. But for today, Shrove Tuesday, I have had my last bits of excess. I am ready, and will need a serious amount of help, to make a shift for this important season. Follow me along if you will and we can do this together.